JIM SHELLEY: Made In Chelsea has re-invented the love triangle and it's surprisingly good viewing

Made In Chelsea has re-invented the love triangle.

It has improved it and come up with the love quadrangle: Spencer and Lucy and Louise and Andy.

They're like four planks that make up a shed, albeit a very expensive one.

Episode seven of the BAFTA-winning satire of the idle, thick rich saw the peculiar love quadrangle hit by several unforeseen developments.

Louise (left) attempts to show she is over Spencer by snogging Andy - the man she calls 'Nostrils' (right, squashed)

For a start, Lucy and Louise both walked out on Spencer. No-one could have seen it coming. Not even Louise. It was unbelievably gratifying.

It started with Stevie, Lucy and Andy (the human bullfrog) hanging out together.

‘We're not going to fall out because your girlfriend hates me are we?' Lucy asked Andy, looking (impressively) as if she basically didn't give a toss if she did – or if they did.

‘She does hate you,' Andy admitted. Don't mince your words!

‘Seriously ? Is Louise your girlfriend?'

'How about if I change my name to Lucy Watson ?' - Louise's attempts to win back Spencer become rather desperate

This was met by silence. Andy couldn't even SAY the word ‘girlfriend'.

It was so abhorrent to him, it would not pass his lips - like the ‘c' word (‘commitment').

Stevie and Lucy looked at him with open amazement.

‘She might be...' Andy stuttered. ‘After ONE date ?!' Lucy pointed out.

Admittedly this was ridiculous. But then what isn't in this show ?

Andy took exception to their amusement.

‘Lucy, I'm not like you,' he jibed. ‘I'm not afraid of my own emotion.' Ouch. Harsh. But also true.

‘Ow ! My heart !' Lucy feigned, with vampish melodrama.

‘You don't have a heart,' Stevie reminded her.

Oh God I thought. I'm beginning to LIKE them.

Spencer wonders if it's too late to impress the ladies by speaking French as Lucy and Louise fail to be wowed by his jacket

Stevie and Lucy were all worried Andy's relationship with Louise was going too fast.

Even Andy was worried about it.

They worried that Louise could leave him and go back to Spencer.

Lucy's advice as glorious and brutal in its simplicity: Andy could break up with HER first. Bingo !

What a woman.

Meanwhile, Louise was having macaroons for breakfast at the Pelham Hotel in South Kensington - as you do. Or, as they do.

She admitted she and Andy had ‘progressed rilly quicklay. I honestly didn't think that I'd be able to trust anyone ever again.'

Zut alors: Spencer realises he has eaten his ice-cream too quickly and is experiencing brain-freeze. Not for the first time

‘Isn't it nice that you've realised that there are nice men out there ?' said Binky.

Well spotted Binky.

Millie attempted to move her mouth and a few words eventually emerged.

‘Is hay a bit cheezer ?' Millie said. Louise said he was.

(Only posh people can understand what Millie is saying.)

The subtitles explained Andy was indeed a bit cheesy.

Needless to say, it wasn't long before Louise started talking about Spencer – last week described by Stevie as the ‘big fat elephant in the room.'

‘Anyway, no going back,' said Millie.

‘Hell no !' said Louise, meaning ‘yes'.

Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen philosopher Lucy Watson shows how it's done by whipping fat puppy dog Spencer in to shape

‘There's a part of me that can't trust even being in the same room as him. He's in a really sordid relationship with Lucy now and it would be so easy for me to f**k that up.'

Her resolve weakening ever so slightly there.

Later at the appropriately named Babble in Mayfair, Spencer made one of his hapless attempts at diplomacy by trying to unite the warring forces of Lucy and Jamie.

‘What exactly is annoying you about this ?' Spencer asked Jamie, who later said the ‘J' on his jumper stood for ‘Genius'.

Spencer tries to think of a witty riposte. And fails. Again

'Lucy Watson' proving you know you're notorious when everyone calls you by your full name

‘You're seeing a girl I don't like,' said Jamie explaining it in terms simple enough for Spencer to understand.

‘I like Lucy,' said Spencer, as if this should be enough and wasting the chance to say I Love Lucy, as we all do.

‘I'm soooooo happy I came to this,' drawled Lucy. Finally it was time for Binky to make her contribution.

‘I'm having a barn dance on Sunday.' Whereupon Jamie walked out.He said it was having to stay in the same room as Lucy but it was the idea of the barn dance that clinched it.

the same room as Lucy but it was the idea of the barn dance that clinched it.

With Jamie gone, Lucy pinned Spencer down with all the callous detachment of a butterfly collector and her latest (fat) moth.

Spencer had (fatally) described their relationship as ‘casual' - several times, almost as if he'd been prompted to.

'There's nothing wrong with looking like a German U-Boat captain'... Spencer argues with Lucy

Lucy (left) cannot look at Spencer (fat) as yet again he is about to burst out of his shirt

‘Has Jamie been telling you he doesn't want you to hang out with me ?' Lucy asked.

‘He hasn't said that !' objected Spencer. ‘He just says he'd rather I date someone else.'

At this point, it was hard to tell if Spencer was just being thick.

Lucy clearly took exception to his use of the word ‘casual.'

‘I don't tend to share people,' she sneered with admirable, not to say sexy, snobbishness.

Spencer re-emphasised his position: ‘I'm single.'

(This is his favourite position.)

Laters ! Lucy walks out on 'Spenny' for his 'gross' use of the word 'casual'

‘That's rank,' Lucy said. ‘You're sleeping with me and you're sleeping with other people, that's disgusting. Do you rilly, rilly think I'm the kind of girl that thinks that's OK ? We're not in a relationship but it's still gross.'

At this point, Spencer looked like someone asked to find the corner of a round room.

‘You're acting like my girlfriend right now !' Spencer observed, a kamikaze thing for any man to point out - even though it was true.

‘God forbid that I was ever your girlfriend, Christ !' Lucy muttered back tartly. In a good way, not a bad way. Not a tarty way.

And with that she flounced out, leaving Spencer trying to work out where his evening – and his new shag-piece – had gone.

'Girls... God !' the poor sap cried. Quite.

Ashley tearfully accepts that the combination of Ollie's bi-sexuality and gay porn is too much for her to, um, handle

At this point it was time for some light relief (even lighter relief) which meant only one thing: Ollie.

He and Cheska chatted as they performed some alarming hula hoop movements.

'How is the sex going ?' said Cheska, a girl who likes to get to the point.

She suggested he and Ashley should be having it three or four times a day, even though he is gay, or, at best, bi-sexual.

'That's unhealthy !' Ollie gasped. Tiring perhaps. After a while.

'You're in the throes of passion right now,' the Robbie Savage lookalike continued. 'You need to be properly giving it to her all the time.'

And they say romance is dead.

'I have absolutely no idea what she's thinking,' he complained.

She's female, Ollie. That's completely normal.

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'You go for the wrong people,' Cheska pointed out. Or the wrong gender. 

When he and Ashley broke up, it was on the grounds that Ollie had no sex drive.

'I know it's hard for you, but it makes it hard for me,' Ashley said, possibly dwelling on the word 'hard' sub-consciously.

Eventually we were blessed by the REAL star of Made In Chelsea – Binky's mum.

‘I look at Spencer, he's a very, very sweet boy,' she told Lucy. ‘He's clearly got a massive...'

Wait for it !

‘... ego, which is irritating. Is he really worth it ?' she asked Lucy. ‘Is he a fantastic lay ?'

Binky at this point was understandably retching.

End of the road: Ollie decides that he is gay again and defiantly turns his baseball cap the wrong way round

Sadly for Spencer, at no point did there seem any possibility of Lucy saying that he was.

Binky's mum wondered if perhaps Spencer had a massive appendage. (He IS a massive appendage more like.)

‘I can't see it,' she said and let's hope that she never has to, although with this programme you never know. Elsewhere Spencer was trying to make his peace with Andy – or pretending to.

‘I'd like us to put it behind us,' he told Stevie. ‘I'd like Andy to know there's no hard feelings.'

‘Mature !' Stevie congratulated him.

‘Cool !' Spencer said (immaturely).

‘He seems genuine', said Stevie (who doesn't know him).

‘Yes...SEEMS,' agreed Rosie (who does).

Cheska (right) catches her reflection and realises she is the spitting image of Robbie Savage, leaving Ollie (left) stunned

Proudlock looks less than happy with Phoebe - before he hears Jamie has taken her to the petting zoo

Come the day of Binky's Barn Dance, and Andy had sent Louise along by herself – partly to spare Spencer's feelings at seeing them so insanely happy together and partly because the producers had told him to.

‘It's not like he's going to try and lunge at me !' Louise laughed – secretly hoping.

A scene of Lucy and Louise having a showdown by the Apple Bobbing Barrel prompted shouts of 'GO ON LUCY. SHOVE HER HEAD IN THE APPLES! WATER-BOARD HER !'

Or was that just me ?

‘How are things with Spencer ?' Louise asked ‘casually'. Lucy explained she and Spencer were no longer together, because she wouldn't put up with him playing the field.

‘That's not really my style. I'm different to you and other girls. I just don't put up with that sh*t.'

‘You're obviously inferring that I'm a pushover,' said Louise the university student, meaning ‘implying'.

Louise smiles with relief that her days as Spencer's 'feeder' may at last be over

‘OK !' shrugged Lucy with frankly erotic ennui and doing that glaring eye thing she does at the end of virtually every sentence.

Like a big puppy dog, needing to be loved, Spencer came over to Lucy to make another final at ingratiating himself. And failed.

‘I don't want to be involved,' she said loftily.

‘You know this is only making me like you more,' he begged, panting. 'Irritating...'

Magnificently, she left him to it.

Having been re-buffed (and not in a good way), Spencer moved on to Louise.

‘I just wanted you to know I have no hard feelings,' he told her gallantly, presumably referring to the fact that he had had sex with another girl in her bed.

Louise predictably couldn't cope with him but – mercifully, amazingly – also got up and left him there.

Spencer assures Louise that he bares her no hard feelings for having sex with another girl in her bed

The only love anything called Spencer was receiving was in Battersea Park where Jamie had taken Phoebe to a petting zoo.

Given that he thought 'J' was for 'Genius', Jamie probably thought this meant he'd be petting her.

‘Obviously I'm down for chilling,' Jamie had told her. ‘Let's do something random and fun.'

Surely you know, there IS nothing random in Made In Chelsea, mate. It's all scripted.

‘Hey !' Jamie pointing at one of the smelly, squealing pot-bellied pigs. ‘It's Spenny ! Come here Spencer !'

It was a rare display of insight: naming him after the biggest, most humiliated, sexist pig on television; a hapless creature paraded for our amusement.

Jamie, of course, is Spencer's best mate – 'his best boy', his 'homie'.

For Spencer, it really had been that kind of week.