Dear Nancy, My partner and I have been sharing a flat for ten years. We have been talking of moving house. Is this a good time to make the move, and, if so, what’s the best way to go about it?
Sheila, Dulwich.
NANCY SAYS: The very better way to moving house is to tell your boyfriend to going out the door in front of you, then you shut it and lock it behind him. Now the flat is all belong to you!
Throw his clothes out the window and tell him to find somewhere else to live! That will teach him to make his lady go through the door first! These English men, they do not understand the language of love! It is quite sad really.
Dear Nancy, How do I arrange parking bay suspension for the removals vans?
Mary, Salford.
NANCY SAYS: All the British trafficking wardens, they so sweet, they very in love with Nancy! Wherevering I park — on road, on pavement, in front of local fire station — they leave little notes for me on my car windscreen! They pursuing me everywhere, those guys! Yes, I tell you, they heels-over-head in love with Nancy!
A week ago, one warden — so good-looking! — tell me if you no move I clamp you. So I say, you naughty, naughty warden! OK, I not move so you can clamp me — but promise to be gentle!
Dear Nancy, I am planning to move from a three-bedroom house with two reception rooms. How many men do you think I will need for the removal?Sue, Dorking
NANCY SAYS: Virgo women, we love to move many places. But we also love to staying one place. We staying, we move — we move, we staying.
Virgo women, we need strong, very strong men in our life, to pick up our furniture and move it around when we give order.
Sven, strong, strong man, I say to him, Sven — I so up fed with dining-table downstair, I want dining-table upstair — you taking it upstair NOW! So Sven he struggle taking it upstair, maybe two, three hours, while I make myself beautiful through relaxationating, and when he get table upstair, I say, to him, Sven, I say, Hmmmm, not so good I think — Sven, you big strong man, take it back downstair where it look so much better.
But we Virgo women, we so perfectionist! We always want home look best for our guy! So when Sven he get table downstair, I am struck by sudden inspirational! This table will look even more fabulous back upstair, I tell him — but in different room! I always struggle to make house beautiful for Sven — but now he never thank me!
Dear Nancy, Advice, please! What is the most attractive place to live in Central London, would you say?Nigel, Tottenham.
NANCY SAYS: Londoners, they are all in love with me — and so are you, Nigel from Tottenham, you wicked man! They telling me, Nancy — wherever in London you living, that is most beautiful place!
By your question, Nigel, I can telling you yearn me come live with you in Tottenham. But, poor Nigel, you lovely guy but I have to say NO! Tottenham not for Nancy!
My total favourite place in London? A little house at top end of the Mall. It’s called Buckingham Palace. Is strange coincidence, all the men who live there — Philip, Charles, Wills, Harry — they are all IN LOVE WITH NANCY!
They're not just waving at anybody: William and Harry
How do I know these guys are in love with Nancy? Call it female institution!
When they out there on balcony, they not just waving at anybody, they waving at me, their beloved Nancy! I tell them, boys, boys, boys! Philip, Charles, Will, Harry, no fighting! I saying Nancy will not move into Buckingham Palace until you guys have mind up your mades which of you can make Nancy feel like a total woman!
Her Majesty, she very jealous lady, when she wave on television, she never wave in my direction! She stiff scared Nancy will move in and throw out her old-fashionated duddy-fudding furnitures for something new and excitement and sexy and modern! I say, Philip — I hate that old throne, you shove it downstairs! Wills, you bring me sexy new scarlet love-seat in its placing!
Dear Nancy, We are about to move house, and will have to lift some heavy packing-cases. Your advice please, Nancy, on lifting heavy objects without breaking your back?
Alexander, Edinburgh
NANCY SAYS: All the wonderful men in my life, they love to lift heavy objects for Nancy — but in a very positive, spiritual way. When Sven or Trevor were lifting for me, they sometimes say, ‘But, Nancy, it hurts!’ But I reply, ‘Love hurts! What’s new? Shut up and keep lifting!’
