1. The first voices to be heard in the official opening ceremony to the 2012 Olympics will be Dame Vera Lynn and former Sex Pistol Johnny Rotten, duetting on a new version of the 1970s hit Do You Wanna Be In My Gang?, freshly arranged by Andrew Lloyd Webber.
2. To liven up some of the duller events — badminton, water polo, weightlifting — a celebrity panel will offer critical and amusing comments before awarding the contestants their final points.
‘I’m sorry, my love, but we’re all agreed that watching other people play badminton is nearly as tedious as playing it yourself,’ says Gok Wan, the style guru charged with ‘livening up’ these events. ‘So we’re injecting a bit of old-fashioned fun and glamour into the yawnathon, dear.’
The final panel will not be revealed until the opening ceremony, but is rumoured to consist of tough-talking business mogul Lord Alan Sugar, iconoclastic shopping expert Mary Portas, flamboyant interior designer Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen and salty-tongued actor Keith Allen.
3. Buckingham Palace yesterday revealed that The Duke of York has graciously agreed to take on the role of Official Olympic Mascot to Team GB. The Duke will appear at the front of the team in the official Olympic parade, wearing the England football strip and waving a rattle.
‘I’m determined to put competitive sport right at the top of this country’s priorities in the forthcoming Olympics,’ the Duke announced last night.
4. High-placed Palace sources revealed that the Duke’s former wife, Sarah, Duchess of York, has volunteered to represent Britain at beach volleyball.
‘A lot of people are worried that the present team doesn’t have what you’d call a Big Name in it. But with a real-life royal on side, it should be a helluva lot of fun, and if my charities can benefit, what’s not to like?’
Getting involved: The Duke and Duchess of York5. The National Society for the Well-Covered (formerly The Fatty Association) recently delivered a petition — ‘XLs Excel’ — to Downing Street, protesting against discrimination in the Olympics.
‘Many of our members feel unfairly excluded from Olympic events on account of their eating habits,’ says a spokesperson. ‘We feel that, if they placed hot-dog stalls at discreet intervals along the marathon course, many more runners from the XL community would feel encouraged to participate. But as things stand, after they’ve run a few yards they begin to feel very peckish.’
6. There are still some tickets available for several events. These include:
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Grandmother’s Footsteps. This ancient sport — first played in Athens over two thousand years ago — has, in recent years, suffered from accusation and counter-accusation concerning cheating and foul play.
Last year, world champion grandmother Hanna Ferkel (Germany) was accused of shouting: ‘Saw You Move!’ at a contestant she hadn’t seen moving at all. Put on the spot, Ferkel replied: ‘OK, if that’s what you think then I’m not playing any more,’ and stormed off the pitch.
In order to avoid such confrontations in future, the Olympics Committee has authorised CCTV cameras to be placed on the shoulders of every competitor. These cameras will be able to pick up all eye movements and, via a series of computers, ascertain whether or not the grandmother has actually spotted any competitor moving.
Musical Statues. One of the most popular of all Olympic sports until the mid-20th century, and a firm favourite with the Chinese, Musical Statues has, in recent years, become a victim of its own success. ’After massive improvements in training methods, competitors have grown so proficient at standing still that it can sometimes take up to two days before anyone moves at all,’ says British Olympics chairman Lord Coe. ‘And this in turn has led to disappointing audiences.’
Sadly, proposals to keep the crowds interested by simultaneously screening the 27-hour Scandinavian crime-drama The Killing came too late for the forthcoming Olympics, but may be adopted in time for 2016.
Animal rights: Wrestling will be open to some breeds of kangaroo7. For centuries, the only non-humans permitted to take part in Olympic events were horses.
This year, following pressure from animal rights groups, two other species have been allowed to compete.
For the very first time, goldfish will be able to take part alongside human beings in synchronised swimming, while oxen will be permitted to enter weightlifting.
From 2016, wrestling will be open to orangutans and superior breeds of kangaroo.
